Wednesday, December 8, 2010

AND THE PAIN CONTINUES

And the pain continues......



I couldn’t stop my tears to roll down my cheeks. I cried and cried and asked myself-“What was my fault? Did I disappoint you or let you down?” again I thought he might be kidding as he always does and trying to fool me but ......no, he meant it. My mind was being echoed with his words and I was feeling as if someone is cutting me into pieces. Was our friendship meant to be broken in this way? “kritika, you are the one who is closest to me, even than me, myself.”- were these words a fake? Why did he do this?


Life, for me, had always been full of complexities. Since my childhood, I always had my own boundaries around me. The girl with strict and tough attitude and lots of expectations from life. I was always overloaded with the rules and responsibities being the eldest daughter in the family. I never had a life for myself. I was compelled to be matured by the circumstances and I even accepted it. I learnt to struggle with my pains and difficulties which made me very submissive as well as aggressive. Though I was quite happy, a small part of my heart always wished for a friend with whom I could be myself, with whom I would feel free to share my secrets, my pains and problems, with whom I could burst out my tears and even laugh with no fears. But I never had. So, friendship, for me was just a compulsion and truly, a waste of time. All those literary phrases regarding friendship were just rubbish, until my school days. But my opinion was compelled to alter by the entrance of few people in my life, yes! They are my friends and he was among them.

Our friendship began in very strange way, rather filmy way. We started to talk through truth or dare game and once he asked my number, I felt quite awkward. As I gave him my home number, he started blushing and spoke politely-“um...don’t you have cell phone...I need some of your notes.” and I gave him the number. He was a very shy boy.
Then, we started talking to each other. Though I found him quite different from me but thought of giving a try as I felt that he is a decent guy and chose him as one of my friends. I think, books and friends should be few but good. Gradually, I got to know him and I realized that he was among the few people who didn’t fear to speak truth about him whether it’s good or bad. He liked if someone pointed out his negative aspects which made me think that he is trust-worthy and little different. I was very happy to get a friend like him.

Though he was a bit careless but he even tried to be sincere. He was straight forward like me. He was innocent like a baby, very funny and emotional too. He was very childish, stubborn and was a huge fan of chocolates and sweets. He didn’t have confidence and feared in very small thing as well. But he wished success like a frog leaps, without any hard work. We used to talk for hours about life, struggle, aim, failures and even quarreled. He used to hide his pain within himself and try to give a big smile so that no one could see tears in his eyes. Sometimes, he used to be very hopeless with life and feared to face difficulties but I always tried to comfort him and made him realize that hardwork pays. He had that potential but he wasn’t exploring himself. I tried my best to make him responsible. Whenever he used to laugh freely, it gave me relief that my friendship could bring happiness in his life. I never wanted to interfere in his personal life but he himself used to say me everything about himself. The thing that i liked about our friendship that it was pure. I never feared that our friendship would turn into something else because we both didn’t want it. So, I felt those things which I had hidden deep inside myself, now can be expressed. I really felt too good. Being a friend, I thought it’s my responsibility to take care of him and even I tried my best. Though I couldn’t give solutions to all of his problems, doubts but I listened and tried to seek answers. Though I couldn’t change his destiny but I tried to be whenever he needed me. His successes are not mine yet I could share in his laughter and joy. His decisions are not mine to make or judge but I tried to support and encourage him. His every behaviors, his anger, laughter was very special. He liked to be praised and acted so sweetly whenever I praised him. I always cared him as a true friend but I never expected anything in return. So, I boasted for being such a friend.


I felt so bad when once he said-“ kritika, the day when our college would end , I wouldn’t be able to stop my tears because I have to depart from u .” I never wanted that day to come. Truly, I even didn’t want to imagine that day. But he eased the situation saying-“why do you think Galileo invented telephone?” which I answered with a smile –“it’s not Galileo, its Graham Bell.”...we both laughed so much.


I thought that our friendship is an example to everyone and happy with myself. I used to call him very often so that he would feel that his friend is always with him. I always said him-“you needn’t remember me in your happiness but don’t you dare to hide your pains with me.” I had always tried to understand him. I tried to make him laugh when he was about to cry. I am still sure that he would never find a friend like me. In this way our friendship was attaining heights.
But true is the saying-“too much of anything is bad” my care, wishes might have become bitter for him. He started behaving in a different way. I even tried to call him but he ignored it. when I asked him what’s matter, he instead started saying-“ I am always like this and why are you bothered about me?” I thought there might be something which is troubling him so I went to meet him but... he became so furious and said those words which still torment me-“who do you think you are? Truly, I am too much irritated by you and your so called friendship. I would be grateful if you stop calling me. So, good bye!”


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