Divided heart!!

Here goes another blog reflecting my current life, full of random thoughts which sometimes make me go crazy. 

I guess it needs an outlet just to calm down. Finally, spring is here in Nebraska, umm, I think so! I see dandelions and many flowers blooming, birdies flying around and chirping celebrating the good weather. In addition, you see humans all over hehe! Yes, everyone is in the street, basking in the sun, enjoying the warmth and soaking all in before Nebraskan weather gets back to normal i.e. unpredictable.  I walk to university every day and I have been doing it almost for a year!  

I have been thinking to get a bike but for many reasons, I am more confident about my feet ;) than any other things hehe! Okay okay, forget about the weather now. Gotta talk what I was thinking. 

My second semester is almost over. Besides, failing multiple times in my project, doing assignments and teaching in the lab, I got to explore almost 7 different states and Australia ;) I really don't know what to do with my wanderlust. It is taking me everywhere and deep inside I want more. Anyways, as I mentioned coming here was a BIG decision in my life. I love traveling but home is where we belong right? Often times, I am in the conflicting state of mind. I so want to be back home and work. I want to go remote areas in Nepal where there is so many valuable information waiting to be uncovered, many species waiting to be discovered. Here, people know so much, many things have already been studied or known. My actual need is back home not here. 

But, you know what stops me here? The quest for knowledge, the passion to learn. As a woman, it definitely sucks to be in that part of the world. I hated not getting to go on research expeditions, I hated not having a mentor who would guide me towards my dream. Based on my experience, many Nepali experts or conservationists think a woman in the field either costs them extra money or logistics issue or can act a source of entertainment in the remote areas. We have so much bio-diversity, many opportunities but we don't want to mobilize our own resources. We can trust a foreigner lady and work with her but can't take a Nepali girl in the same project.

Here I see women being equally competitive as men. There is not a single time you feel like you can't do this just because you are a woman. I am not saying it's perfect here. No, it's not. However, it's much better in comparison to Nepal. As one of my friends told me, 'you can either try cutting a tree with the blunt axe for a long time or take more time sharpening your tool and cut the tree more efficiently.' I reckon being here challenges me to grow every day, it makes me go out of my comfort zone, do things I never thought I would be ever doing. 

Eventually, it's actually helping me grow as a person, as a scientist. I am hopeful that all these challenges will lead me towards my dream. Another pressure on women is family or social pressure. She is not allowed or questioned if she wants to go and work on her own. I would not have hurried to come here if my parents were not forcing me to get married. Life of a woman does not necessarily revolve around family and children only, she has equal rights to aspire. She should be given all the freedom to make choices of her life not impose things upon her. 

Well, that's why I live with this divided heart between home and dream, between who I am and who I want to be.  

To conclude, I have Robert Frost's lines( The Road Not Taken)

I shall be telling this with a sigh

somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-

I took the one less traveled by,

and that has made all the difference.